“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” ~ Mark Twain
Do you know your lover’s love language? Better yet, do you know your own love language?
About 2 years ago, hubby and I read Love Languages by Gary Chapman together. Ok, well I read it and explained it to him. lol!
We thought this was a genius idea! The whole concept of the book made perfect sense to me. People love and perceive love differently. In order to show people you love them or in order to feel loved, two people must be speaking the same love language.
The 5 Love Languages
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
I love the way Gary breaks this down.
So many times, we believe because we feel love for another person it’s enough. The common cliche conversation between a husband and wife might go:
“How come you never say “I love you?” Asks the wife.
“You know I love you,” responds the husband.
Well, frankly put, this is not enough.
When you go to work, and your manager asks you to do something, you don’t say, “I thought about doing that all day” as a replacement for right action. Love is not just a feeling. Love is an expression. It involves words, actions, body language. Don’t just keep it internal, allow it to go out from you to others.
So back to the love languages. In order truly express or receive love, it must be spoken in your specific love langauge.
Take a look at the list above. Do either of those speak to you? Now, you’ll have to read the book to get the full description of each one. But just based on the names, you might already have a good idea of what your language might be.
This is a great book to read whether you’re single or n a relationship. It’s always funny to me now, after reading the book when people say things like, “If she/he loved me, they wouldn’t do that” or “that’s not real love.” Most times they’re not talking about love, they’re talking about the expression of love. And people express love differently.
My Love Language
My primary love language is quality time, and my secondary love language is words of affirmation.
This was interesting to learn. I always felt like words of affirmation was how people expressed love. Studying literature and almost getting a masters in literary studies contributes to that I’m sure. So sometimes hubby and I would get into fights because he tends to criticize more than he compliments. I would think, “if he loved me, he wouldn’t say that.” But to him, this was no big deal.
Reversely, when hubby would ask me to do something for him and I procrastinated, he always took it personal and much harder than I thought he should. To me, it was no big deal. I’d get to it when I had the chance. But because his love language is Acts of Service, he interpreted my procrastination as a lack of love.
A fun thing to do is to try and pick out your partner’s love languages. See how well you know them. When I read the book, I knew right away that hubby’s language was Acts of Service. When I do things for him, his face lights up. He feels supported. Similarly, when he spends time with me, it validates his love for me. And when he takes the time to consciously speak kind, healing, and affirmative words, it tells me he cares.
In addition to learning to speak your partner’s love language, it’s also important to learn how they naturally speak love. Now, I know when hubby puts new tires on my car, cleans the house, or backs up my computer, he is saying, “I love you.” This means so much more to me now.
Hubby now understands when I play a song for him that reminds me of us or leave him little notes or give him peptalks about how wonderful he is, I’m speaking love to him.
So definitely check this book out. It really improved our relationship. Also check out The 5 Love Languages of Children. Awesome, awesome book! Children are just as unique as we are, and their love languages vary. So many times, parents focus on discipline, when in order for children to be well-behaved, their love tank is full. Gary explains we should never punish children or discipline them when we have failed to love them in a way they can understand. Usually when children misbehave it’s because they feel neglected not because they are bad.
My daughter is not talking yet, but when she does, I will be fully equipped to speak her love language. For now, I’ll just speak all of them to her.
Sometimes, I think a soulmate is someone who will make you be the most you that you can possibly be.
I pretty much think this all the time. That is exactly what a soulmate is. Whenever people ask me how to find their perfect match or soul mate, I tell them to find the perfect them they can find. Learn to be their authentic selves, then they’re ideal soulmate will show up.
Meanwhile if you’re faking and trying to be someone you’re not, you’ll only meet imposters and other fakers. Like attracts like.
Our soulmates show up when we’re ready to journey down the path toward self understanding and self awareness. Until then, even if we met our soulmate, we wouldn’t recognize them.
This is exactly what happened to me. I was trying to live a life that just wasn’t fitting to me, and deep down I knew it. But it was the life everyone around me was impressed with. So being young and in my 20’s, I kept forcing myself down this path despite the quiet nudging from my spirit that I was going the wrong way.
Anywho, that’s when I met my best friend. Although he knew right away that we were meant to be, I resisted because it didn’t fit my ideal, at the time, of what I thought my life would look like. This guy kept pushing me toward discovering my artistic side, while my boyfriend at the time encouraged me to suppress it. Artistic was not in my plans, so I ignored everything that felt right.
It wasn’t until I decided to walk down the road of self discovery that I realized the guy I was with was all wrong for me, and my best friend was actually my soulmate. But before I started delving into myself and learning who I really was, I couldn’t really see clear.
Once I began to see myself more clearly, than I could make better decisions that supported my happiness.
So don’t focus solely on finding your soulmate. Find you, and your soulmate will appear.
It can kill the best of relationships. No one and I mean no one wants to be nagged. It’s demeaning, annoying, and disrespectful.
Many times the nagger doesn’t realize they are nagging. Here are some common scapegoats for nagging:
- I just want to explain my point of view.
- If I don’t tell him or her (yes men nag too) to do it over and over again, it’ll never get done.
- They don’t listen.
- They NEED to do _______ (whatever it is you’re nagging them about).
- Well if they just did what I told them, I wouldn’t have to repeat myself.
Keep in mind nagging doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. Nagging is equally harmful to work relationships, friendships, parent – child relationships, etc.
I share the above examples with you because most people who nag don’t realize they are nagging. Although the person receiving the nagging knows it’s nagging. The person who is actually doing the nagging explains what they are doing a such a way that it sounds necessary and for the greater good of the naggee (person receiving the nagging).
The bottom line is that nagging is annoying and it’s not an effective form of communication.If you have to repeat yourself over and over again, there’s a good chance that the person you are speaking to is tuning you out and no longer listening. So your point is definitely not getting across.
If you do indeed have something important to convey to your partner, follow these guidelines:
- Never talk about serious topics when you’re angry, annoyed, or frustrated.
- Before you speak, question your own motives. Is this an important topic to your relationship or are you just seeking control?
- Be authentic. Let your words express how you truly feel. Is there something else bothering you and you’re using this situation to express anger? That’s bad communication. Be upfront about what’s really going on. If you want more quality time, say that instead of bashing your mate about leaving his or her socks on the floor.
- Take a deep breath the next time your partner leaves their underwear on the bathroom floor, and wait until you’re calm to discuss it with them.
Nagging is more than just annoying. It makes your partner feel like you don’t trust or believe in them.
Expressing yourself does not have to be a chore. Find a better way to communicate. Learn to inspire others when you speak. Don’t speak to control but seek to influence.
We are such communal beings. Humans thrive on our relationships and interactions with others. The people we spend the most time with and are closest to really shape and define who we are.
This isn’t just true when we’re young, this is true throughout our lives.
Since our relationships have such a profound effect on the type of people we are, let’s create more positive relationships. It’s sad when people tell me how stressful their relationships are. Whether it’s your lover, spouse, friends, or families, relationships are suppose to nurture us and support us. They shouldn’t make us feel exhausted and emotionally drained all of the time.
There are times when you will argue or fight with the people you love. But this shouldn’t be a regular occurrence. If you don’t regularly feel inspired by the people you spend the most time with, then start using this affirmation to ignite some change in your relationships.
It might mean expanding your social circle to find people who share your passion and vision in life.
Divine love is more than just emotion, it’s also action, effort, and devotion. This affirmation reminds you to remain open and know that you can be happy in any relationship.
Last weekend, the hubby and I had a date.
So the fact that we were able to accomplish all of that in one day definitely made the date fabulous before we even left the house. lol.
But that’s not where our innovation for the night ended. We decided to have even more fun and do a little role playing. For the night we weren’t mommy and daddy (although we LOVE our new roles) but we were just Kyana and Matt — two people who are incredibly in love with ourselves, our lives, and each other. Between working on the blog and raising our babygirl, we don’t always take the time we need to live in the NOW of our love for each other.
So we took this night not to just go out and have fun, but to nourish and create sacred space for our relationship, which is important if we want to continue to grow together and be happy and connected.
So instead of just getting ready and going out, Matt took Skye to his mom’s house (Read: The Best Babysitter) while I got ready in an outfit I just purchased a week ago and Matt has never seen.
I took the time, just like I would for a first date, to get ready, do my makeup, try out a new hair style, put on a new dress, and basically go all out. I treated the occasion not like I was going out with someone I’ve known for forever. But I treated it like I was going out with someone I was interested in getting to know. No matter how long you’ve been dating someone, you must continue to seek to get to know them because there’s always a deeper level. Superficial is for dating, depth is the benefit to a long-term relationship. We get to know each other and ourselves deeper than we ever thought possible.
The funny thing, with this mindset, I felt like I was getting ready for a first date. Butterflies and nervousness. Anticipation and excitement. All the new date emotions were present.
Matt also took on the guy responsibilities of planning the date — totally without me. He enlisted his mom as a babysitter, decided where we were going, and even made reservations without giving me any clue of where we were headed for the night.
It was exilerating and such a relief to know that a long-term relationship (over 6 years of dating and 10 years of being friends) could still feel so renewed.
I wonder if we regularly made the effort, like we do for first dates, with our long-term partners, maybe relationships wouldn’t grow apart at the rates they are today.
But, anywho, so in true gentleman fashion, Matt picked me up with flowers in hand and he rang the door bell. Yes, we live together, but there was such a cuteness of him coming to the door and ringing the bell with flowers in hand, while I was fully dressed and fabulously ready.
So we headed out on the town, and it was so wonderful. There were conversations, eye contact, hand holding (yes we’re cheesy like that). Everything was perfect.
We went to a restaurant that had a scenic outdoor bar on the river for drinks and appetizers. Then we went to a jazz restaurant in the middle of town that had great food and live music, which both Matt and I deeply enjoy.
We really had the perfect night. Full of the romance, sweetness, and the beauty of love.
Yes, it took planning, effort, and energy, but it was worth it.
I always say great, close nit families are consciously built — they don’t spontaneously happen. Well, so are great relationships. Expecting someone to stick around without any effort on your part is just BS. They won’t and neither will you. Never get in a relationship to get lazy. Relationships are work. Fun, passionate, soul-deepening work, but work nonetheless.
For relationships to work, it’s important to keep the courting alive. True Romance is being willing to get to know each other over and over again.