Do you know your lover’s love language? Better yet, do you know your own love language?
About 2 years ago, hubby and I read Love Languages by Gary Chapman together. Ok, well I read it and explained it to him. lol!
We thought this was a genius idea! The whole concept of the book made perfect sense to me. People love and perceive love differently. In order to show people you love them or in order to feel loved, two people must be speaking the same love language.
The 5 Love Languages
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
I love the way Gary breaks this down.
So many times, we believe because we feel love for another person it’s enough. The common cliche conversation between a husband and wife might go:
“How come you never say “I love you?” Asks the wife.
“You know I love you,” responds the husband.
Well, frankly put, this is not enough.
When you go to work, and your manager asks you to do something, you don’t say, “I thought about doing that all day” as a replacement for right action. Love is not just a feeling. Love is an expression. It involves words, actions, body language. Don’t just keep it internal, allow it to go out from you to others.
So back to the love languages. In order truly express or receive love, it must be spoken in your specific love langauge.
Take a look at the list above. Do either of those speak to you? Now, you’ll have to read the book to get the full description of each one. But just based on the names, you might already have a good idea of what your language might be.
This is a great book to read whether you’re single or n a relationship. It’s always funny to me now, after reading the book when people say things like, “If she/he loved me, they wouldn’t do that” or “that’s not real love.” Most times they’re not talking about love, they’re talking about the expression of love. And people express love differently.
My Love Language
My primary love language is quality time, and my secondary love language is words of affirmation.
This was interesting to learn. I always felt like words of affirmation was how people expressed love. Studying literature and almost getting a masters in literary studies contributes to that I’m sure. So sometimes hubby and I would get into fights because he tends to criticize more than he compliments. I would think, “if he loved me, he wouldn’t say that.” But to him, this was no big deal.
Reversely, when hubby would ask me to do something for him and I procrastinated, he always took it personal and much harder than I thought he should. To me, it was no big deal. I’d get to it when I had the chance. But because his love language is Acts of Service, he interpreted my procrastination as a lack of love.
A fun thing to do is to try and pick out your partner’s love languages. See how well you know them. When I read the book, I knew right away that hubby’s language was Acts of Service. When I do things for him, his face lights up. He feels supported. Similarly, when he spends time with me, it validates his love for me. And when he takes the time to consciously speak kind, healing, and affirmative words, it tells me he cares.
In addition to learning to speak your partner’s love language, it’s also important to learn how they naturally speak love. Now, I know when hubby puts new tires on my car, cleans the house, or backs up my computer, he is saying, “I love you.” This means so much more to me now.
Hubby now understands when I play a song for him that reminds me of us or leave him little notes or give him peptalks about how wonderful he is, I’m speaking love to him.
So definitely check this book out. It really improved our relationship. Also check out The 5 Love Languages of Children. Awesome, awesome book! Children are just as unique as we are, and their love languages vary. So many times, parents focus on discipline, when in order for children to be well-behaved, their love tank is full. Gary explains we should never punish children or discipline them when we have failed to love them in a way they can understand. Usually when children misbehave it’s because they feel neglected not because they are bad.
My daughter is not talking yet, but when she does, I will be fully equipped to speak her love language. For now, I’ll just speak all of them to her.
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